Living truthfully does not make life easy; it does make it easier.

I have gone through soul searching for some time now.  I have been placed, gratefully by my Father in Heaven, in position of need.

When I first started to need help I was more humble.  I was more prayerful.  I was ever so grateful for the love, support, and tender mercies of the Lord.  I was surprised and thankful for those I knew, and didn't know, who followed the sweet promptings of the spirit...so much that I wanted to be like them to someone else.

We worked very hard to be divinely guided by the Spirit.  Something that didn't occur to us was that He would lead us to failure so that we knew the best way to Succeed was to do it His way.  (It makes sense to anyone who has been through it.)

So, I sold my soul the the government.  I was willing to debase myself and sign away all my privacy and dignity to receive assistance for housing, Food-Stamps, WIC, and Medicaid.

It's funny.  There is a portion of the applications that say I may have to do something in return for the food and medical assistance.  I was a little concerned at first because it didn't specify what or when.  In the three years of receiving food-stamps and I did not once receive any kind of notification that I would have to put in anything other than paperwork to receive my assistance.  I never had to show anyone my receipts that I faithfully saved in case they wanted to review them.  They never checked to make sure Brian was not eating the food with the kids and myself since he did not qualify for the first year.  (I've wondered if those clauses were put in there to get important voters on board to get them passed.)

The longer we received assistance the harder it was to excel.  We didn't feel the pressure to be creative with the food we could budget in because we received $400-$600 a month in food.  We built up some food storage and shared our bountiful "harvest" with those who needed our love and assistance (which, mind you, is against the rules.)

Our value of ourselves and our ability lessoned each time we "had" to receive help to pay a bill, eat food, or talk to the Bishop.  Not because these wonderful people tried to make us feel bad.  By all means they did their best to lift our spirits.  Some of them even tried to empower us to see our potential.  Unfortunately we felt less and less like we could make it with our talents.  They were obviously unappreciated in the "professional" world.  We began to believe that those with more must have been better than us because they had the means to help us.

It took some soul searching to realize that my wealthy friends were not better than me or worse than me because of their wealth.

Now, understand that working at the High School was probably the best and worst thing we ever did.  It certainly showed us where we thought our worth was.  We were paid less than minimum wage.  We were treated without respect or love.  We were valued at volunteer help, because ballroom is a hobby not a profession.

Why?  All of the other "coaches" had some other full time job that was paying their bills and putting food on the table.

At first we bought into the fact that we were not good enough to require more than $400 for the two teams (medley and show) we were running.  We were also expected to pay our way to take the students on the required tour with the money we weren't paid for working.

(After adding the elementary and middle school programs we started, we hoped we would be paid a decent wage.  Most dance instructors start at $20 an hour, as a beginning wage, for class time.  What each of us ended up working was approximately 20 to 30 a week.  With all that we were doing in class and we figured out that we would be paid $1,200 each, in a fair market, for what we were actually doing.  Studios and most schools also absorb the cost of the instructors to go on tours so the students have their instructors there.)

We felt debased.  We were constantly told "NO" when we made fundraiser suggestions and ways to help the students learn responsibility.

I remember the students being upset, and "telling" on me, when I told them that Obama had given immunity to an international police force.  I told them that was the scariest thing I had ever seen happen in my USA.  I told them to get educated.  They needed to make decisions on what they believed and stood for.  They needed to pay attention in History class and government.  They are the future voters of America.  When I was scolded for bringing politics into the classroom I finally replied "I will burn before I am not patriotic."

Many times we felt they thought we were just selfish beings.  We spent a year and a half thinking maybe we weren't worth more and weren't any better than they said.  Finally we said in our hearts "we are good at what we do, we love these students, and we need to change our situation so the students don't have our example telling them we need to debase ourselves."  When we chose to leave I know it was the best thing for us to do for them - even though it made us look bad.

We could not morally stay at the high school.  We believe in the Love and Logic mentality that people love and need boundaries.  They want to know where they stand and what their role is.  These boundaries are not unfair, they are logical.  (kind of like the free market)  If they whine and complain, refuse to practice or be on time, and are unkind, they do not get to perform in the number they were learning.  It is not good team behavior to be lazy and mopey then get rewards.  When students were told certain consequences, and then did not receive them, they became complacent and resistant.  What were we doing?!  We want to prepare them for life!

Thoughts started creeping into our hearts...So why were we any different?  Why would we accept a handout when we didn't do any work or the right work to receive it?

We also discussed with the counselor on record about what he really wants this team to be.  In the end he wants a place for the students who don't want to be really good.  As frustrated as he gets at students leaving to go to the better team, he really doesn't want to have the better team.  This was good to have on the table.  We know that if we encounter students who want a "chill" experience, where they can chat and dance, we know that they would be happier at the high school.  We, on the other hand, would not be there any more.

In the end of the year concert we choreographed 10 of the 15 dances!  We were disappointed at some of the moral and choreographic changes they made to our pieces while we were gone; but the concert was okay.   Granted, the students did work part of the time, the other female coach did bring some good "Mama" skills to the table, and they had a great new number from a well known choreographer.


Back to the mentality.  You see, there's a cap of how much you can make before you don't receive any assistance.  It is just about $1000 jump before you can get on your feet.  It's hard to have the strength to make that plunge when you know that you won't be able to budget in food unless you make an additional $1000 for the month.

I wasn't strong enough.  Not yet.

The more I got back into studying about my country and the downfall of other countries I began to reflect on what needed to change.  I knew that we were only using food stamps and Medicaid until we could get on our feet...but when was it going to happen?  Last time we qualified for food stamps we chose not to apply for Medicaid because it just didn't feel right.  That was a step in the right direction.  After all, our only inaliable rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  We were going to pursue happiness.  That's why we have capitalism.

It hit me in the gut when my sister said I didn't make any sense because I didn't like democratic leading yet I received food stamps.  Wow, how did I get into this mess?  I remember Glenn Beck talking about how we the people need to be less selfish.  I realized he was talking about me.  As long as I was selfish enough to receive government help, when I might be able to do without, I was willing to support Socialistic ideals put in place by FDR.

I realized that even though it would be hard it was worth it to stop food-stamps cold turkey.  I discussed it with Brian and he joined me in being surprised at our folley.  Stupidity hidden in plain sight.

We are liberated!  We feel like good people again!  We are empowered to do what we do best, serve.

It has been a month since we received food-stamps.  It has been three months since we stopped working at the high school.  We have spent much time preparing our business to be opened.  The creativity is definitely heightened when you know that you have to have so many clients in order to purchase a gallon of milk and a carton of eggs.  (Yet the food tastes so much better.)

I won't say it is not hard or that my faith has been strong the entire time.  Yet, I know that this choice was the best choice for us.  We better understand what it means to give, to receive, and to empower.

I remember reading a quote...I think by Ghandi...but I've never been fabulous at name recollection.  It went something like this.

"Peace, without dignity, is not peace."

We have been taught to fish and we are preparing for the bumpy ride down the river as we truly enter the free market.  :)